it has been one month, one week since my last post. considering the pledge which i took to myself of this blog being more than just a personal place, or put more comprehensively, a place where i would horn my thoughts and draft them into words to sketch the matrix of a world which i carry around inside - well, not a single post has been quite less than just ordinary.
well true, if a part of me argues that a lot happening since the past post has kept me away from myself, then it can be justified to escape the main question - getting the sem results (thank god, hostel for this year); all that going to delhi, then not going to delhi and then again going to delhi plans; going for an internship, which despite being namesake has pissed me off for the past month; birthday plannings with secrecy and double secrecy (the only event which was so unlike of the empty me); and finally the long list of blockbusters which i couldnt have afforded to miss - x men, transformers, deathly hallows, delhi belly (which failed eventually). There was also settling down at my brother's place, making peace with the fact that a friend of mine is in a relationship while i am at the same place where i was..well... ten years ago. There was also in store the partial destruction of my laptop, which is now i suppose just a level above any typewriter. Well, if you look back, even though you believe to have spent a month doing absolutely nothing, there are tons f things to boast about.
So what made this happen? the oscar winning foreign movie The Secret in their eyes famously asked 'How do you live a life full of nothing?' and proved this to be the worst punishment ever. well, in spite of being able to write a fat paragraph of things i have been doing or which have been happening for the past month, i know this for the truth that i have lived a life full of nothing for a long time and the past two months have just brought this in full view over the horizon.
but first a flash - backward. back to the first day of june, when i arrived (i wouldnt say returned) to my home. back to the place where the most enjoyable thing to do was to remain in the small, compact and comfortable volume of your flat. you see Patna, a place which i remember to have said to be the best place in the world on the first day of my shy arrival in the rkp hostel, is now cruising each day to become just a collection of flats. i will write something on the city someday, but just for an idea - in 2003 when i first shifted to my home , my apartment was the only one in the area; but now in 2011, it is one of the 10. so whenever you think of going out, the mere density of the city makes you want to go back in.
after all you were back home - the place where your heart is supposed to be. so i decided to engage myself in activities which i never get to do during the entire college semester - resting my head in front of the AC all day long, waking up at 10 and switching onto star world until 11, having an afternoon nap, flipping on your laptop post lunch and losing yourself in episodes and episodes and episodes. plus there was the internet all night - for all kinds of 'boyish' business. when you have the best of food being served to you and a remote in hand to flip across a 100 channels, while lying on a comfortable sofa in an air conditioned room - there is hardly anything else you wish to care about. you want both the time to end instantly and to go on forever.
flash forward to one month later - the first of July. yes - finally your sorrow story of being away from everything in your world has put to a close. this is the place where you belong. you start to settle at a new place now with a new routine. there is an intern to go to; where you have an egoist boss, who in spite of knowing this that you get to do absolutely close to nothing, wants you to spend 9 hrs 5 days a week, with a specific problem if he sees you leaving the office with your shirt untucked. well, this is your new life - you had 'work' to go to, 'friends' to meet up with, parties to plan about and blockbuster movies to watch. this was all that you craved for a month earlier. All that reminded me of myself - be it even writing anything or even thinking, were now well strapped in the back seat.
'But did it all really matter?' the alchemist inside of you would always nudge you to answer this very question. and the worst part is that you chose to ignore the answer and let is as it may be. there were still periods of lying on the bed dreaming of dreaming, of your spending hours of useless surfing on not more than 4 websites. of your craving when you spent hours near the air conditioner - be it at your home or in your office, that you'd get to do some little thing which could be worth, something which you could see through a more beautiful image, something which you could make you meet your eyes.
but be it in the dreams of today and tomorrow, be it in the trance of a music, or in the wilderness of feelings, you would always know when you are living a life full of nothing. Its going to scratch you off from the insides. have i already lost everything? well, with this post, i hope that i have not yet.
